Ahhh, The Joy Of Shortcuts.

Yes, I'm getting lazier as I get older. Or maybe I'm just getting tired of repeating the same unnecessary steps over and over and over ad nauseam. Whatever the reason may be, I've become increasingly dependent on a variety of keyboard shortcuts for my Windows OS. A lot of this is probably due to the fact that I now use a laptop instead of a desktop computer and I hate using the touchpad mouse on laptops. I use shortcuts to start my most commonly used applications, to close windows or shut down applications and to perform numerous tasks in whatever browser I happen to be using at the time.

Many people know about the more common keyboard shortcuts used within a browser like Ctrl + C to copy, Ctrl + V to paste, Ctrl + R or F5 all by itself to refresh a web page but most don't know about the shortcuts you can use to open an application. That may have something to do with the fact that you have to create some of them. No worries, it's easy. You'll need to locate a few folders in your computer; your "Windows" folder which in Vista is quite easily found at C:\Windows via My Computer, and the folders containing the executable (icon you click to start the application) for the applications requiring a shortcut. You may find some of the icons right on your start menu.

As an example, I got tired of navigating through the Start menu to open Microsoft Word or Excel, or even a specific Office document which I had need to access quite frequently. So I went through the Start menu, right clicked the icon for Microsoft Word, hovered on "Send to" and selected "Desktop (create shortcut)". I wanted it to have a simple name, easy to remember and easy to type (you'll see why in a minute) so I right clicked the shortcut newly created on my desktop and renamed it "w", for Word. The last step was to drag that shortcut into the Windows folder. Now it's much simpler to open Word, I simply push and hold the Windows key while pushing the "R" key to bring up the Windows Run prompt, type the letter "w" and press the enter key. I repeated the process for Excel with an "x" shortcut. Now I can open my two most commonly used Microsoft Office applications without having to scroll and navigate my way through any menu or folders.

If you've got a specific document or folder you access frequently and would like to create a shortcut for those, the steps are identical. Just navigate to the folder containing the document or folder for which you'd like a shortcut, right click the item and start the process with "Send to..." exactly as previously described. Rename the shortcut then drag it into the Windows folder and you've got another time saving shortcut ready for use. This also has the benefit of not leaving an icon on your desktop meaning your desktop won't be so cluttered, and some of your most used apps will be less obvious to anyone looking at your screen.

One last trick, a shortcut which will automatically open the Chrome browser in Incognito mode. Create the shortcut on your desktop the same as described above, and rename it to whatever you like. I used "cc", having already used "c" to open Chrome normally. Right click the shortcut link and select "Properties". Select the "Shortcut" tab in the Properties window and look for the "Target" information. Click into the text box then use the right arrow key on your keyboard to get to the end of the target location, it should end with chrome.exe or possibly with chrome.exe". Make sure the cursor is at the very end of the target location then use the space bar to add a space, then add --incognito then click the OK button. Go ahead and drag that into the Windows folder too and now you can easily open Chrome in Incognito mode by using WIndows + R, typing the name you gave the shortcut then pressing your Enter key.

In Vista, possibly other Windows systems as well, there are also built in shortcuts related to the taskbar. The taskbar is the small bar at bottom of your screen which contains the Windows "Start" button, buttons corresponding to all open applications, your clock, etc... Part of this, the section at far left containing the Start icon and a few other icons used to open some applications, is called the Quick Launch toolbar. Any icons in this toolbar have a built in shortcut, at least in the Vista operating system. For example, the icon for the Chrome browser is the third icon in the Quick Launch toolbar, so I can press and hold the Windows key while pressing the 3 key then releasing both.

Give both methods a try, see how they work for you.

Windows Updates Failing To Install, Part 2

Well well well, what do you know? It's once again time to install more updates and once again some of the updates rated as "Important" just won't install. I guess it's too much to ask for Microsoft to create updates which actually work on their own products. So anyway, here they are:

• Security Update for Microsoft Office Excel 2003 (KB973475)
• Security Update for Microsoft Office Word 2003 (KB973443) and
• Update for Microsoft Office Outlook 2003 Junk Email Filter (KB975958)

Just click the download button on each of the three pages, you can either run them from Internet Explorer or if you use a real browser save them to your computer then run them at your leisure. 

Windows Updates Failing To Install

Have you ever had Windows updates fail to install? It's happened to me a couple of times now, and after some three dozen failed attempts to install four updates rated by Microsoft as "Important" I was starting to get more than a little annoyed. They were released thirteen days ago (Oct. 13) and if they're so damned important I figure I should be able to install them even if Microsoft can't figure out a way to do it themselves in their own operating system.

So, I said "Hello!" to Google and started searching. Eventually I stumbled across the solution, one so simple that I'm fairly shocked that Microsoft themselves haven't found a working solution for the automatic download and install process. Ready? Install them manually. Yep, that's it! Close the Automatic Updates window and do it yourself.

The updates which wouldn't install were:

• Security Update for Microsoft Office Outlook 2003 (KB973705)
• Security Update for Microsoft Office 2003 (KB974554)
• Security Update for Microsoft Office 2003 (KB972580) and
• Update for Microsoft Office Outlook 2003 Junk Email Filter (KB974771)

To install the updates just click them in the list above. You must use Internet Explorer for this or it probably will not work, Microsoft is funny like that. Click an update, it will open in a new window or new tab depending upon your settings. Then click the "Download" link on the Update page, click the typical multiple "OK"s and "Accept"s and "Allow"s and "Run"s until you eventually get the little alert window telling you the update was successfully installed. At that point, come back here and click on the next one and repeat the whole process until you've done all four.

You can then either check for new updates by clicking the icon and link near top right of the Update pages, or run Update from your Windows Control Panel and check for new updates that way. If all went well the problematic Updates should no longer appear on the list of updates you need to download and install. For me it didn't seem that rebooting my computer was necessary but you may want to do so anyway just to be safe.

If you try this with a browser other than Internet Explorer and it works for you, please let me know.

Even Bigger F YOU!!! to HP

Okay, maybe I was a bit hasty to judge HP in my last blog. So to make up for it, take all the bad stuff I said about them and multiply it times ten, that's about what I really think of them. Today I almost found out just how far I can throw a computer. 

The piece of junk lost it again for no apparent reason. So again I give in and run the recovery discs (3 of them) which took over four and a half hours. Then I had to wait almost that long again for it to mirror all of that data to the recovery partition. This would be the same worthless, waste of hard drive space recovery partition which wouldn't work last time, causing me to waste hours of my time (again).

What douchebag engineer thought up that concept? Then I had to wait yet again until it finished installing everything at which point I could begin set-up, then the never ending list of downloads, installs and updates. Finally, some 12+ hours later I have a computer that works again. Yay me, hoo effing ray.  *yawn*

I would sooo love to shove the overpriced birdhouse straight up the overpaid ass of an HP corporate officer, then make them suffer and wait while a repetitive, ineffective and nonfunctioning "easy repair tool" takes 12 hours to get it back out. I bet none of the smart HP employees use an HP.

The cause of all this frustration and wasted time? The power went out. No surge, no flickers, no rapid off and on, just a simple power failure for a couple of minutes. Even the ancient relic which I built by myself out of old parts was tougher than that. I'm oh so happy to see that technology has advanced so far in the years since. I think HP stands for Heaping Pile because that's about what it is.

Great Big F YOU!!!! To HP

I've added Hewlett-Packard to my list of companies with products I will never buy again. If you are in the market for a computer and someone tries to sell you an HP, specifically a Pavillion a1420n, run. It's been nothing but trouble. The product is inferior, they misrepresented the Operating System version (by three years) and their version of tech support is worthless.

HP are traitors, they eliminated jobs here and outsourced their tech support to India. Instead of reaching someone you can understand and who knows the product, you end up talking to someone whom you must continually ask to repeat themselves and knows nothing about your computer aside from what he's reading from the screen in front of him. I'm sorry but the ability to perform a keyword search and read from a screen is not tech support by any definition I am aware of.

As soon as it was out of the box and running the trouble started. Every time I tried to open a web page or connect to the internet the computer would freeze completely, requiring me to turn it off and restart it. I spent close to an hour and a half on the phone with their "Tech Support" trying to fix the problem. Most of that time was wasted by me asking the poor clueless slob to repeat himself because I couldn't understand him through his heavy Indian accent. I gave up in frustration, then had it fixed myself within a few minutes of hanging up the phone. It was actually pretty simple but the "highly trained" tech couldn't figure it out.

Then came the day when I tried to assign functions to the supposedly programmable hot keys on the keyboard. These are the keys which let you open a program or go to a specific web page with just one push of a button. The option tab which would allow programming of these buttons was nowhere to be found. 

So again I call HP customer service. Once again I am on the phone for over an hour. Once again they couldn't tell me how to get it fixed. At the conclusion of the call I was informed that this was a known issue. Seriously? If it was "known" then why the f*** didn't they say that at the beginning of the call before I waste over an hour of my time? They claimed it was actually Microsoft's fault and there would be a patch released by Microsoft by the end of that month. That was 3 months ago. Can I program those buttons now? No.

Actually I can't do anything now, the computer has been reduced to nothing but an expensive paperweight courtesy of HP tech support. Even killing the computer entirely took them over an hour, I could have done it myself in seconds. It was running when I called them, dead when they were done with it. After talking with two computer techs in my area I learned that most of what I was told to do was absolutely wrong. The error message I was receiving was quite common and could be easily fixed within seconds if you aren't being directed by an incompetent twit.

Bottom line, I have to pay someone to try to save the files I need from my hard drive, losing everything they can't find or copy. Then I have to wipe it and waste an hour and a half while I reinstall the Operating System with the recovery discs, Then I can spend hours updating, downloading and installing. 

Do these stupid assholes not know that I have addictions to feed? HP refuses to reimburse me or replace the computer, claiming it was operator error that damaged it even though it was running when I called but was dead after I followed their instructions. HP had income of 86 billion dollars last year, I think they could afford to honor their warranty and do the right thing by replacing their defective junk. I hope those bastards are in the part of California that breaks off and sinks into the ocean after the next big earthquake.

Screw you HP, you can kiss my ass. I hope you get bought out by Sony you traitorous, junk peddling, worthless sons of bitches. Thus concludes another rant. Thanks for listening (or reading, whatever). I feel better already.

R.I.P. Computer

My computer has officially committed suicide. Something internal causes endless cascades of system failure error messages, if I can even get it to boot up at all. See ya eventually.