Monday, October 7, 2013

Political Humor, Intentional And Otherwise

While entertaining myself with the comments uttered by incompetent and clueless DC politicians I stumbled across a rather amusing piece which related the current government shutdown debacle in the context of professional wrestling. First, the entertaining and/or enlightening comments:

From Pennsylvania's own Republican Governor Tom Corbett:
When asked about a statement his lawyers made in a recent court filing, comparing the marriage of gay couples to the marriage of children Corbett said, "It was an inappropriate analogy, you know, I think a much better analogy would have been brother and sister, don't you?" Apparently Gov. Corbett is unaware that gay couples are same sex while brother and sister are not.
From Indiana, Republican Representative Marlin Stutzman:
His take on the whole Congressional impasse and shutdown situation? "We're not going to be disrespected, We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is." With such unselfish and clear thinking leadership it should take no time at all to solve our current problems.
NC's Republican Rep. Renee Ellmers provided two gems:
1. When asked whether she would be joining those politicians who have elected not to receive their pay during the shutdown, or choose to donate their pay to charity Rep Ellmers stated "I need my paycheck. That's the bottom line." Rep. Ellmers is an RN by trade, earns $174k/yr + full benefits as a Representative and is married to a General Surgeon who runs his own practice so I completely understand how they could be so impoverished. If only she were so concerned for her constituents, or Americans in general.
2. When asked if it was right for Congress members to continue receiving a paycheck during the shutdown, Ellmers responded (the night before the shutdown) "The question I believe is moot, because we are not going to shut down the government." Oops! With such visionary leadership it's no wonder we're stuck with our current mess in DC.
From Florida, Tea Party Republican Rep. Dennis Ross:
“Republicans have to realize how many significant gains we've made over the last three years, and we have, not only in cutting spending but in really turning the tide on a lot of things. We can't lose all that when there's no connection now between the shutdown and the funding of Obamacare. I think now it's a lot about pride.” Ross also pointed out, in his own words, that the party “risked losing a fight over the scale of government while waging a quixotic war against the health care law.” Well lookie there, one of them really can tell the truth! Who knew?
From Nebraska's Republican Rep. Lee Terry:
When asked to comment on the increasing number of lawmakers who have stated they that they will donate their salaries to charity Rep. Terry stated, "Whatever gets them good press. That's all that it's going to be. God bless them. But you know what? I've got a nice house and a kid in college, and I'll tell you we cannot handle it. Giving our paycheck away when you still worked and earned it? That's just not going to fly." No mention of any concern for the hundreds of thousands of government workers going unpaid, he's just worried that he can't pay for his nice house. Dick.

Now for the wrestling analogy, which I found here.

Shutdown Fanfic #4: WWE Shutdown!

Pyrotechnics. Raucous music. Camera angles reminiscent of mid-90s MTV.

JIM ROSS: Welcome to Shutdown, live from the nation's capital! I'm good old Jim Ross and with me is Jerry “The King” Lawler.

LAWLER: Great to be here, J.R.

JIM ROSS: Let's get right down to business because that music can only mean one thing_

Hail To The Chief by Motorhead fills the arena. The crowd goes wild as BARACK walks confidently towards the ring, waving to people and high fiving children as he makes his way down the aisle. When he reaches the ring he leaps to the apron and then shakes the ropes. He climbs onto the turnbuckle and flexes. In the crowd, we see Chelsea Clinton faint. We see Dennis Kucinich holding a hand painted sign with steer horns that says THE OBAMA BULL.

LAWLER: The Obama Bullcrap is more like it.

JIM ROSS: Come on, King.

RING ANNOUNCER: Please welcome your nation's champion, from Parts Unknown, BA-ROCK!

JIM ROSS: Parts Unknown? The man is from Hawaii. I might have flunked geography but last I checked, that's a state.

LAWLER: Show me a birth certificate and we'll change his hometown.

Barack takes a microphone.

BARACK: Finally, Barack has come back to Washington, D.C.! But as Barack walks the streets of the people's capitol, what does the Great One see? Libraries are closed. Poor mothers are not receiving promised government assistance to buy diapers and food for their babies. Sufferers of incurable diseases are being turned away by the National Institute of Health. The people can no longer ever afford to Tweet for Voyager II. How did the richest nation on Earth fall on such hard times?

The answer is one orange man and his colossal ego and this time, Barack is not talking about Hulk Hogan. Barack is talking about House Maj-

I'm Walking On Sunshine by Katy and the Waves suddenly explodes on the PA. John Boehner, flanked by Ted Cruz and Eric Cantor, walks towards the ring. They are followed by Michele Bachmann. They slowly climb into the ring to confront Obama.

JIM ROSS: Business is about to pick up, King. It's the Pain Caucus!

LAWLER: My Twitter just exploded all over my Tumblr!

JIM ROSS: I don't care how many Ls or Ns she has in her name, King. Michele Bachmann spells crazy. Look at those eyes.

LAWLER: Those eyes brought down Tina Brown, J.R.


LAWLER: Exactly.

They enter the ring. Boehner takes the microphone.

BOEHNER: Barack, you're right. And we're here to make a deal.

ROSS: What? King, this is outrageous. Don't fall for it, Barack.

LAWLER: He's falling for it, JR. He always falls for it. Look, the champion is walking right towards them with his hand stretched out.

ROSS: Does he really think John Boehner is going to shake his hand?

LAWLER: Boehner has his hand out, too! He's going to shake the champion's hand, JR!

ROSS: And a thumb to the eye from the dirties player in Congress! This was so predictable, King!

The crowd boos as the fearful foursome put the boots to the blinded President.

CRUZ: Republicans Number One, America Hock-tooey!

ROSS: Somebody's gotta do something!

LAWLER: Harry Reid and Joe Biden are overseas visiting the troops, there is nobody here to help.

A gong hits, then funeral parlor music. The lights goes out. When they come back, The Undertaker stands in the ring, holding a steel chair. Boehner, Bachmann, Cantor and Cruz are all bloodied on the mat.

JIM ROSS: Not so fast, King, it was a trap. The President brought his own Death Panel!

ROSS: This is despicable.

Barack kicks the prone Boehner and then locks him into a crossface armbar.

ROSS: He's got Boehner trapped into Obamacare and the Pain Caucus can't do a thing about it! Boehner's tapping, King! Boehner's tapping.

LAWLER: I can't believe people are cheering this.

ROSS: The Death Panel was the great equalizer and now the President's got Obamacare locked in good and tight. Boehner's gonna wake up tomorrow pretty happy he's got health insurance, I can tell you that.

LAWLER: We have to go to a break. WWE is brought to you by Chick-Fil-A. Fast chicken for heterosexuals on the go.

Fade to Break.

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