Blah

That one little word says it all. Ok, maybe almost all, it could use a little help. *insert profanity here* blah. There, that about covers it and pretty well describes how I feel.

Ever have one of those days where you just plain can't be bothered to give a damn, about anything? That's what I'm having except it's been going on much longer than a day. I don't seem to care about much of anything these days. I've lost all interest in the projects I started after I lost my job. I've not worked on any of them for weeks, none of them are finished and I don't really care.

The only thing I've really paid any attention to at all is getting rid of the weeds in the lawn. It's a nice mindless job pulling out crabgrass and nut sedge. I can't even begin to guess at how many hours I've spent sitting in or crawing around on the lawn. A lot of it comes back because I never seem to really get all of the roots so I just pull it again next time around.

I start a new job in just a few hours yet I feel zero excitement about it, it will be just another day where I'll wake up, do something to occupy my time, eat dinner then be bored by television or internet until I fall asleep. My life has become boring beyond belief, I look forward to absolutely nothing and have no motivation to do anything. I just don't care.

I need out, but that would be a decision. All this free time has left me a lot of time for thinking and I've realized that every major decision I've ever made which has had any meaningful impact on my life has been the wrong one, so I'm not real keen on trying another. At least I'm consistent! Of course deciding not to make a decision would probably be a wrong decision too. It may even be a good thing that things have unfolded in the way they have, it has relieved me of the responsibility of making decisions so that's less chance of making yet another wrong one. There's that silver lining I was looking for. Woot!

I've lost all confidence in my ability to recognize what's best for me, or even good for me, which makes me wonder if I'm anywhere near as smart as I thought I was. I've missed clues to things which I should have seen coming a mile away yet didn't, though in hindsight some were so obvious that a blind man would have probably seen them.

Maybe I'm just having a mid-life crisis. I'm 45 and accomplished just about nothing, maybe that's messing with my mind. There's got to be more to life than this.