Monday, June 8, 2009

Life's Little Surprises

Life has a tendency to spring a few surprises along the way. Too bad they aren't always good ones.

If you know me then you most likely know that my marriage is not a happy one. My wife and I have developed opposing viewpoints regarding several issues, some of which I consider core issues key to any relationship especially a marriage. We've drifted apart and I'm now at the point where the only reason I stay is because I can not yet afford to leave, but that day is coming.

Over the past few years I have become emotionally involved with someone else. We are separated by many miles but talked nearly every day, sometimes for hours but because of the distance we got to share only the occasional visit with each other. We have much in common, both in personality traits and involvement in unhappy marriages. Judge all you want but she made me happy and made me feel loved, appreciated and wanted and I feel no guilt or shame for allowing myself that feeling. Nor do I feel any guilt or shame for loving her. Talking with her always brought a smile to my face and was always the brightest part of my day. When the day came that I could leave my marriage and cut all ties, she was who I wanted to be with.

That's over now, courtesy of surprise number one. She felt it was in her best interest to walk away so that she could get on with her life. I never saw it coming and that's made it even harder to deal with. I understand and don't hold it against her but it still sucks. There's a huge hole in my life and I feel very empty right now. C'est la vie.

Two weeks later along comes surprise number two. My boss shows up at work Saturday right around closing time, she tells me she can't afford to pay me anymore and asks for my keys and parking permit. No notice, no discussion, no alternatives, just an instant statistic. I'm not really all that marketable, have no higher education or degrees and in this shit economy finding another job is going to be really tough.

I'd managed to scrape together a little nest egg for when I was able to leave, but after replacing my dead laptop a little while back and taking a vacation I'd put a pretty big dent in it and this will probably finish it off. I guess I'll just have to start all over again.

That's two shitty surprises in a row neither of which I saw coming. I'm really hoping there's not a third. Looking back, I see there were clues along the way but I either missed them all at the time or just completely underestimated their relevance. Maybe I'm just not as smart as I thought I was... So there's my current happy place.

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